Carb Cube Crises

To: Whole Office

Subject: “Free Food in Kitchen”

Nothing will cause office workers to run more quickly or fight more fiercely than an email with a subject line about free food.  Truly, the thought alone is enough to move mountains. If you’re having a hard time picturing what this might be like, picture Mufasa being run down in that stampede in The Lion King (and if there were doughnuts at the other end of that canyon, those wildebeests definitely knew what’s up because #priorities)…
You’d think we weren’t, like, getting paid to be here and couldn’t buy food ourselves at, like, any other time of day.

I digress.

Science tells us that the body must consume to survive. And if by ‘survive,’ you mean ‘eat until our eyes bulge out,’ then we’re definitely on the same page.  And no, the fact that most of us just ate an hour ago has not dampened our enthusiasm, thanks for asking.

Rude.

However, because science, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why the normally lethargic might move quickly in the presence of free carbohydrates:

1. Fear of a world-wide carbohydrate shortage
2. Needing to “get my steps in” for the day
3. Boredom
4. Desire to boost blood sugar
5. To “take one home for my [family member of choice]”
6. Boredom
7. Any other reason that warrants 500 bread-related bonus calories into one’s life
8. Boredom

Here we begin to observe the office worker in their true natural habitat.

The ways of Cubicle City may be foreign to you, Whole-Foods Shopper, or you, Mom who Jog Walks with her Stroller, but trust me when I tell you that this is the way the game is played. So get with it.

And may the odds be ever in your favor.

Photo: NBC