A Man and His Will to Survive

The big city gets called the Concrete Jungle. Parties are described as wild. And yet, Cubicle City is somehow thought of as a danger-free zone.

Boring as it may be, you’re wrong.

Office life is a struggle.

If I wasn’t right, this blog wouldn’t even exist and YOU wouldn’t have bothered to read it anyways.

Cube City has the most subtle form of danger because it isn’t anything that will kill you outright or kill you quickly. Even the dimmest of bulbs among us can figure those ones out – eat something other than french fries so you don’t have a heart attack, don’t tie your shoe in the middle of the street and don’t forget to sign the boss’ birthday card.

If only it were that simple in the office.

The dangers of Cube City are the ones that slowly kill you over time. The things that seem cute and harmless up front (and maybe even comical), but then they turn around and stab you in the back, but, like, years down the road.

While I would strongly suggest you figure out your unique list of dangers (unless you want to escape your career path early because death = freedom), here’s a starter list of 3 things you should watch out for that can kill you slowly over time:

  1. Apathy – Apathy is the thing that takes a straw the size of a coffee stirrer and sucks your soul out over the course of a lifetime. It takes you from that person who says “Hey, here’s a need. I think I should do something!” to the person who says “Oh, crap. There’s a need. If I get seen standing too close to it, I’ll be asked to fix it. Better run now and go pretend to do work.”
  2. Sugar-Free Soda – Sugar-free soda is the biggest lie adulthood has to offer. As a kid, the big lie was “Sure, you can be an astronaut when you grow up too, just like the other 25 kids in this Kindergarten class.” As an adult, the big lie is “Sure, you can drink as much sweet liquid as you want because it doesn’t have any calories.” Then your brain gets creative, thinking you can have anything that’s sweet in any portion size you want because it has no calories either. Then you gain 100 pounds. And then you die. (Alternate option: Drink full-calorie soda to stay grounded in reality).
  3. Exercise Balls for Desk Chairs – Just because the word ‘exercise’ is in the name, doesn’t mean you’re going to have 6 pack abs like the guy on the front who’s only wearing gym shorts and tennis shoes. Trust me, I’ve hoped. And it’s a dirty lie.

So, my friends, stay thirsty (*copyright infringement language here*) and make some effort to be smart. After all, happiness isn’t coming in the fluorescent palace you call home from 8-5.

And you deserve better than that.

Getting excited for work to slow down (and Christmas gift baskets),

A Fellow Office Worker


Photo: NBC

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